She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
