wrigley field is MILF paradise
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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