Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I got inside last night via doggy door
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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