Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
