you turned your livingroom into a bong?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
