I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I woke up under a house in Key West
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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