I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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