i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
