i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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