Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
