Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
