every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
