Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
