Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
