So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
