Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize