hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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