At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Randomize
