I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
