I am spending my child support on dildos
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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