Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I touched a dick in church today
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
