I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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