Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
