for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize