Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
