She said her name was "party"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
