so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize