She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
