i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
