Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
