If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
