i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
