I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
