I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
