I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize