pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
