first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
