i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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