My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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