i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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