pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize