It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
