Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
