Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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