she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
