meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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