the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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