you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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