I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
