found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
