For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize