literally had 100 drinks last night.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
