so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
