Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
