Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
