she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
