you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
